Reactions to Grief in Adults and Children

Adult’s Grief

There are certain common reactions to grief, as mentioned previously these do not always follow a particular pattern and can resurface many months or even years after the death.

Shock/numbness – This is usually one of the first reactions to grief and can make people feel confused and unable to think clearly. There may be an inability to believe that the person has died or difficulty in remembering what they looked or sounded like. The confusion and feeling of fogginess in the mind can continue for some time, but it will pass.

Overwhelming sadness – This can be accompanied by many tears or an inability to cry at all. Grief can change your perception of life and many things may seem pointless, planning for the future may seem fruitless.

Tiredness, exhaustion and other physical symptoms – The body can feel overwhelmed just like the mind, muscles can feel tense and ache, and there may even be symptoms such as nausea, stomach pains and heart palpitations.

Anger – There maybe anger at the person who died or perhaps anger at those who let it happen. It is common to become upset at relatively minor things, perhaps things that you wouldn’t have been upset at before.

Guilt – Feeling guilty that we didn’t do more, or that a different decision/action may have changed the outcome. There may also be guilt at still being alive, and feeling that you wish others had died instead may also instil feelings of guilt.

Fear – The fear of dying or thoughts of something bad happening to family and friends may increase. New fears may also develop such as leaving the house or seeing people you know when you are out.

Repeated visions of the death and surrounding circumstances – Although these can be distressing and upsetting, they can help the mind to process all that has happened. These visions may happen when awake or asleep and are not uncommon when grieving.

Grief can place enormous pressure on the bereaved and the wider circle of family and friends, sometimes it can feel as though people do not understand the depth of grief being experienced. Try to maintain relationships with loved-ones and explain the range of emotions being experienced, no two people will have the same experience of grief.

Please reach out for support if it is felt that these reactions to grief are overwhelming and continuing for an extended period of time.

Be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to do things that make you smile, we can be both happy and sad at the same time.

Children’s Grief

Although a child may exhibit many of these same reactions and emotions, the way adults approach a child’s grief is important too.

It is our instinct to protect children from being hurt and upset, however it is important to talk to children about the person who has died and allow feelings to be shared honestly and openly. Show children that it is normal to feel sad when someone has died, give plenty of reassurance. Using clear language is important, saying ‘dead’ or ‘died’ is much more helpful for children than ‘passed away’ or ‘gone to sleep’. Children should feel able to ask questions about the death and often they will guide the adult with how much they want to know. This can be painful as children can be quite direct in their questioning.

Depending on their age and personalities, children will grieve differently and they can move very quickly from one emotion to another. If possible, a child should be given a choice on whether they wish to attend the funeral or not. The service should be explained in an age-appropriate way and things they will see/hear explained. It can be beneficial to involve them in some way such as choosing a photo, song or poem. There are of course other ways that the person can be remembered, such as making a memory box or jar together, creating a collage or drawing pictures.

Children do not grieve in the same way as adults and as they grow and realise the enormity of what has happened, they may need a lot of support.

There are charities which offer support specifically to bereaved children such as Hope Again, Winston’s Wish and Child Bereavement UK,  details are listed on this webpage.